chasing RAINBOWS

forget i ever said this.

i have always been putting it away from the front lobe of my mind. i guess i cannot deny the fact anymore that nothing will ever work for us. i guess it’s all make-believe. a desperation for us to save the only thing that’s kept us alive all this time. it’s not exactly the right thing and not exactly the way i want it to turn out. and yet, how are we supposed to ever understand what we have? or when will we ever learn? maybe, just maybe it’ll be better for us to just go and be happy somewhere else. nothing ever works anymore. and no one listens. no one cares. not even you. i’ve heard myself a thousand times and all i hear from you is resounding silence. how can silence be so deafening? maybe i have mistaken everything to work out just fine. but the scars scream right at us. it’s frightening me. i’ll pretend nothing ever happened. and forget i ever said this. 

We Grieve The Day Efforts Were Wasted

I had a bad feeling about this day. I did have a bad day. The moment I awoke, I felt the tremors of a fairly stupid day coming up. Isn’t it handy? When you have an indicator of how your day’s going to turn out? It is convenient but nevertheless it didn’t make my day any better.

We were supposed to pass a multi-paged radio script for our RADIO SCRIPTWRITING class. I got it done last night after the incessant power failures. I finally had the chance to be in front of the PC by 10PM. That was so late for me to write down my script, my eyes were all droopy from reading Alice Sebold’s “The Lovely Bones” which by the way I read seven chapters last night. So I was all drained when I started my script and to top it all off, I still had research study revisions to attend to. But I had to think of my grades for that class so I felt compelled to get done with it. It all went smoothly. Sleeping by midnight and receiving no texts from my boyfriend, I slept a little bit troubled.

To cut the story short, everyone in the broadcasting class got really really PISSED OFF the following day. When I say PISSED, I mean it. Words to lambast hurled out of everyone’s mouth. It’s deafening specially if it came from my own. I hated the feeling of being stepped on by someone older just because she’s OLDER! It sucks! If I would have to tell everyone about this incident, there would be name-calling and all sorts of shit. Now that’s what you’d call POWER TRIPPING. Sad? Grave.

THE BIG STORY

 As I and my partner for thesis, Arnold Bucoy stepped toward our adviser for further revisions, my classmates started to have worried looks on their faces.  Then it hit me, we had to pass our scripts to another teacher whose class had started 20 minutes ago. The fact that she did not come to our room meant that she’ll be collecting our scripts at the Mass Communication Department. But the things is, she did not collect our scripts and said that we might as well throw them into the garbage bin. TO HELL WITH THAT! She did not even change her mind even though we showed up and begged and pleaded which made me think that she does not even deserve that. MEAN OLD WITCH.

I hated her for the fact that she did not even consider. What with all the other factors that settled in. It wasn’t even our fault that we were late in submission. I am not saying that it was the other teacher’s fault but all I am trying to say is that we would really appreciate a little consideration on her part. Knowing that it was the second to the last script for this semester, we all felt aggravated because we totally worked our asses off!

In the end, we were losers as we always will whether or not we go against that witch. Pride has always been trying to cut off the bonds and we’re trapped in it which is really UNFAIR on our part. I just hope that one day they’d realize the added burdens on our requirements the moment they fight for petty reasons and get on each other’s nerves. Or maybe change will never come to that cursed department as long as proper authorities are absent.

It’s a hopeless case as that of peace in Mindanao.

any more?

This day has a way of jolting me into the cruel realities of life. I had to cry and be rueful about certain things over which I have no control of. That’s all for me, today.

selective perception :)

I’d really like to stop myself from blogging in day or so but it’s more like I am trying to do the impossible. :) It’s hard to stay away from something you’d consider your lifeblood. I have a lot of things running in my head right now and if I had a brain decoder slash printer or a device closer to that, I’d drown in my thoughts!

Just like this day where I finished reading a book lent to me by a friend. True, I didn’t want it to end but somehow in the back of my mind, I was thrilled to have it finished. It was bittersweet :) like the dark chocolates my boyfriend gave me on Christmas Day, they’re my favorite by the way.

As what I have posted in my facebook wall, I’ve got too much to worry about. The incessant power failures in the city has got to cease! Or else it’ll ruin my daily tasks. What with all the effects that “EL NIÑO” bestowed upon us poor mortals, it’s impossible not to complain! Maybe it did affect me in a way that I’d have to adjust.

At work, there’s truly an evident effect of the weather to the staff. Everyone gets irritated over little blunders and the scar of those irritations really pierce the mind and soul. I am not used to being reprimanded or told of the things I should have done. So I take it by heart whenever that happens. And bless their souls, it did! I don’t know how many lucky and blessed people can withstand pressure-inducing jobs like production work. I pity our segment producers for all the pain that production work caused them. It ain’t easy I tell you being pressured by damn deadlines and too little time.Well, only the strong get to stay as the saying goes. You’ve got to be tough, to be in production! GRAWR to that! YEAH RIGHT.

When I walk the damp streets of this city filled with high rises and birds that migrated for a certain season, I can’t help but wish that people didn’t know me, didn’t see my face on TV during Sundays or didn’t remember my face . I wished I had a different face when wandering these streets like I used to do way back. I used to enjoy the freedom I had and it’s sad to have it taken away from me in exchange of the limelight. It’s pretty sad. Now I understand how other people feel when they get deprived of freedom even if it means being able to eat ice cream or have a little sunlight.Sometimes when I go overboard with my imagination and desires, I’d see myself in a muslin gown and a buri hat with vodka in my hand looking across the widest stretch of the ocean, feeling the cool breeze and listening to the sounds of the waves as it hit the shore.

In my head, that was ultimate freedom. Too bad it won’t happen too soon. Freedom to be able to think of what is right and freedom coupled with responsibility are only a few things we should keep in mind.

Nutcases are invading the city with murders and the like. NUTCASES.

dreamcatchers

Have you ever had a dream as vivid as reality but had awakened only to find that it was a dream? Many of you would say yes and I would have to agree. That phenomenon happens more than once in a person’s life. You may be thankful that it was only a dream or might have sighed because it was perfect and you didn’t want it to end.

However, I tend to stay away from my dreams these days. It’s weird. No one can stay away from dreams; you can never control them, right? But I’d rather have a dreamless sleep rather than having almost-too-real images or visions running in my head while I slept. It seemed to have scared me the moment I dreamt of scenes that I am not likened to. Sometimes, I feel like there’s meaning attached to those dreams I had but I never want to analyze because I might not like what I’ll stumble upon.

Once, I dreamt of my late grandfather’s house made of wood at Sta. Catalina. I was floating on air and looking towards the door’s direction. It was set in slow motion and it was like the house was calling me or it might be some other element that I didn’t know of. The inside of the house was barely visible; all I saw was darkness and it loomed. I was alarmed when I woke up. Both of my grandparents had already died when I had that dream. So it was kind of creepy when I look back at it now. I cried in my bed as I thought of lolo whom I loved and adored so much. I never had the chance to mourn for him properly during the time of his death because there was always this feeling of denial; I always thought he’d come back in a way I didn’t know how.

But it all hit me when I vacationed at my tita’s house in Cagayan de Oro. I shook with tears silently, afraid that I might wake the whole house. It was there when I finally realized how real his death was and that he’s never coming back. I learned to accept it eventually. Every wound heals in time. There were also times when my dreams become very favorable. For instance, I slept thinking of my boyfriend and he appeared on the same night in my dream. And I was glad I remembered it the moment I woke up. It really gave a good start to my day.

On the other hand, you have this tendency to forget your dreams and that was what I meant when I said dreamless by the way. Still, I fear dreams. I’m afraid of what it might want to tell me. Maybe they were visions or crap. I can’t tell.

But all I’m sure of is that I’d rather have a dreamless sleep.